23. "But It's a BUNNY!": Ask for What You Want
Here’s a little imaginary scenario for you. Tell me if this sounds familiar:
Husband: Happy anniversary!
Wife: [Tears wrapping paper off box and opens it to reveal a set of kitchen tumblers. Frowns almost imperceptibly, then quickly recovers.] Oh. Glasses.
Husband: [genuinely confused]: Don’t you like them?
Wife: They’re drinking glasses.
Husband: But we need glasses. These will replace all those old and cracked ones!
Wife: [barely suppressing her anger]: Glasses are a kitchen staple. How could you think this was an anniversary gift?!
Husband: [worried now]: But it’s OUR anniversary. These are good for BOTH of us! I thought you’d be happy. . .
Wife: [no longer concealing rage]: How could you be so dense?! How could you think I would LIKE this?!!
Husband: [desperate to appease]: But–you said you didn’t care about a gift! You said to “get whatever you think is best”!! That’s what you TOLD ME!
Wife: And you BELIEVED me? You should have known what I really wanted–!!!! [storms from room, sobbing] . . . .
Okay, so perhaps an exaggeration. But not much. In fact, I witnessed a very similar scene play out countless times in my parents’ kitchen.
I always wondered why my mother never told my father what she really wanted as a gift, but instead accepted the same pot of chrysanthemums (which could conveniently be planted later in the garden as house decoration) each year, a flower she didn’t particularly like and had no interest in.
Later, in my own kitchen, my poor starter husband fell into the same “get what you think is best” trap. But I let that happen only once (granted, it *was* a lovely blender, as far as blenders go . . .).
Why do so many of us feel we can’t ask for what we really want from our partners? Or from our children, or friends, or bosses? Or in life?
According to Forbes, “The reality is that other people will rarely care as much about our needs, preferences and desires as we do. And yet, when those needs, preferences and desires aren't being met or fulfilled we often fail to engage in the conversations needed to seek the changes we want.”
One thing’s for sure: our Zoey isn’t concerned by how much (or little) we might care about her needs. She goes ahead and asks for whatever she wants, as many times as she wants, at any time.
This personality trait of hers was made plainly evident on our very first meeting. As with our other two pups, we transported her home in a huge Rubbermaid bin on my lap in the car.
While Elsie (our first dog) attempted to peer over the top, then lay down, and Chaser (our second dog) may have whined for a few minutes before doing the same, Zoey spent the entire two-hour ride shimmying over the top and onto the car seat where I had to snatch her back and into the bin, all the while yelping, whining, yipping, barking and snapping at me.
Not exactly what I’d call Momma-puppy bonding.
The lack of innuendo on her part has continued unabated into the present (minus the snapping and biting, thankfully). It comes in handy when she wants to let us know her wishes. And let us know, she does. In spades.
After the usual morning wakeup ritual (which I described here), it’s time for Mum (that’s me) to get up, dress, trudge downstairs and offer Zoey breakfast.
First, she plants herself just beyond the kitchen tiles (as she was trained to do) in a perfect “sit” posture, the bottom third of her tail wagging in anticipation, telegraphing the message: “See? I’m a Good Girl. I’m ready to be rewarded with food.”
If I’m not fast enough for her liking at that point, she stands, adjusts her bum and sits again, huffing with impatience. Should I continue lollygagging, she rises, then sits again, this time ignoring the boundary between the rooms, paws on the tiles and head craned forward while sniffing the air in an attempt to assess what might be in the bowl.
I’ll shoo her back; she plants her rear on the ground, reluctantly. And then I’m met with repeated barking that morphs into howling as she nods her head vigorously in an attempt to speed up the process. Of course, this only causes me to reprimand her with a fresh command to sit and be quiet. . . . thereby prolonging the process more.
Clearly, Zoey doesn’t share the patience gene of her older sister, Chaser, who could sit silently for ten minutes like a GOOD GIRL. With Zoey, there’s no doubt she’s hungry, she wants her food, and she wants it now.
We receive similarly clear messages any time Zoey spots a rabbit or squirrel in the backyard.
My first clue? Furious yapping, leaping and scratching at the door. If I ignore that message, she then charges at me and bops me with her nose before running back to the door, hooting and hollering while simultaneously whipping her head back toward the human as if to say, “Hey! This is urgent! RABBIT ON THE LOOSE!! Let’s Goooooo!”
When I tell her, “No, honey, you can’t go out and eat that rabbit,” her misery is palpable. She yelps, attempts to open the door, spins in frustration. I must admit, I feel bad for the poor thing, who’s never experienced that canine rite of passage, chasing a small rodent in the woods, off-leash. Still, I’m not going to encourage such predatory behavior in our own backyard.
The good news is, you don’t have to ask the same way Zoey does. No yelping or nose-bopping. In fact, if you employ the right strategy, you’ll increase the chances of actually getting what you want exponentially.
Dr. Margie Warrell, an executive coach, suggests that we remember others aren’t mind readers and be direct in our requests.
My mom, once again, offered a perfect example of what not to do. When she wanted us kids to help clean the kitchen, she’d sigh, make a grand show of doing the dishes, pout, stomp between the sink and the refrigerator—but never once actually request anything of any of us.
It wasn’t until my teens when I fully understood those signs (and guilt took over) that I began to contribute to the kitchen maintenance. But wouldn’t it have been so much easier if she’d just asked?
Which begs the question: Why is it so hard? Some experts say that trouble asking for what you want is related to low self-esteem. While I have no doubt that’s true, I’ve also found that pushing yourself to ask anyway actually helps build that very self-esteem. So it’s a pretty positive loop.
This week, how about letting others know what we really want? No yelping. No spinning. No bopping (I know, sometimes that might feel good, but no). Just calm, direct requests.
Like this: I’d love for you to join me this week.
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Follow up to last week’s challenge: Eat Your Vegetables
It seems like a cheat to even report on this one. As I mentioned last time, I’m basically a veggie-hound myself, ever since changing the way I eat back in my nutrition school days.
So yes, I definitely ate my veggies last week. And I probably ate some of the HH’s veggies and even some of Zoey’s veggies, too (maybe even some of yours).
What did I eat? Well, so glad you asked!
Breakfast occasionally consists of a savory meal, which, of course, includes veggies. It’s not unusual for me to eat leftover salad from dinner the night before at today’s breakfast (or at least *with* breakfast), too.
But my favorites include a green smoothie (smoothie with kale, cauliflower, sprouts and some berries, pineapple and/or pear, plus protein powder) or, my new regular, cauliflower porridge. It’s a keto recipe that, believe it or not, tastes great (I make sure to add loads of coconut milk for flavor and ground flax for texture).
Veggies take their place at lunch and dinner (often the same place) as well. Some examples from last week include roasted Brussels sprouts and sweet potato oven fries alongside tofu nuggets; Broccoli Spoon Salad (a Middle Eastern delight with lots of fresh cilantro added), Cauliflower-Chickpea burritos with a romaine-kale-sprout salad; our favorite kale and beet salad (shared here) with black bean burgers; or simply roasted root veggies (radish, turnip, beet, carrot, potato, celery root) with cauliflower “rice” pilaf.
See? It’s really not that hard. But yeah, I have 25 years experience adding veggies to pretty much every dish, even desserts (chocolate sweet potato pudding is so dreamy you won’t believe it).
Never enough veggies, I say!
How did it go for you?
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Now, over to you. Let me know your thoughts, or feel free to answer one of the following questions. I love to hear from you!
How did your week go in terms of veggie consumption? What was your favorite veggie last week?
What’s the best present you ever got? Did the giver pick it out themselves, or did you ask for it?
Do you find it hard to ask for what you want? Or does it vary depending on the person you’re asking?
As always, thank you for reading. If you enjoy Be the Dog, please consider recommending it to someone else–or becoming a paid subscriber to support me and my writing. I’d be eternally grateful either way!