Where do you stand on criticizing others–yea or nay? (Sorry, it’s not “yay” or nay, as so many people today write the term. The expression comes from parliamentary votes, meaning “yes” or “no,” And don’t get me started on “the former or the later.” But I digress…).
So, back to criticism. Clearly, I’m okay with it in certain contexts (such as when I used to mark student essays). But criticizing those of us who are entirely innocent, or worse, completely incapable of self-defense? Like, say, a BABY? That’s right: I’m talking about. . . Paris Hilton’s baby.
Apparently, Paris’s feelings were hurt after reading the reactions to images she posted of herself and her baby, Phoenix, during his first trip to New York.
Let’s just say the Internet was not kind. (Just how unkind were they? Learn all about it here).
Okay, so maybe his head *does* look a little big (actually, never having had a baby of my own, I have no idea. Is that normal? Do most babies have large heads until they grow into them?).
Whatever the case, people felt entitled to barrage her with the most nasty, trashy, inhumane comments you can imagine.
Look, I’ve never been a fan of Paris Hilton (and let’s face it, she’s exhibited plenty of insensitive behavior herself on many occasions), but that doesn’t give people the right to troll a baby, for goodness’ sake.
It’s a strange time in history, isn’t it? When people are too disconnected from their fellow humans to understand it’s 100% inappropriate to criticize in certain situations. Too socially awkward to actually speak to a person they’re romantically interested in–opting instead to conduct most communications via text and/or other online means. Too self-absorbed and insouciant to notice when others might be hurting or require a helping hand.
And yet–these same disconnected, awkward and insouciant people feel entirely comfortable referring to a baby as “hydrocephalic” (except spelling it incorrectly, of course) or posting images of aliens with oversized craniums next to his photo, writing “ET phone home.” Et cetera.
That is some serious viciousness, and viciousness that would never (ever) be spoken aloud if Hilton were sitting right in front of them with that same infant son.
So are we a society of bullies now? Or is something else going on?
Sure, bullying existed when I was younger. But back then, it was rare and restricted to a few burly guys who likely, at the core, were insecure themselves.
I remember daily walks home from grade school. I’d feel as if I balanced on the edge of a field of broken glass whenever the school bully, GS, happened to walk behind me (which occurred far too often for my liking).
GS was somehow muscular even in grade five, one of those boys whose body was compact and dense, already mirroring his adult physique that sprouted years later. He had a wide forehead, angular jaw and gravelly voice even back then. And he intimidated all the girls.
Whenever I saw him approaching, I did my best to keep my stride quick and the conversation light and amusing, an attempt to distract him from any impulse to pull out my hair, smack me across the face or throw me to the sidewalk (in reality, he never did any of those things. In retrospect, I’d even say he might have liked me a little, since he offered me a ride on his motorcycle almost as soon as he acquired it**).
Later in life, GS evolved into a quintessential crunchy-granola type, Birkenstocks and all, and owned a health food store. We connected again during my holistic nutrition days, and it was kind of surreal to be talking to this same guy about spirulina, buckwheat groats and manuka honey.
I did witness real bullying during high school, though.
One day as a bunch of us waited in line to enter the Dactylographie class (that’s French typing for those of you who don’t know–and yes, it’s a completely different keyboard), one of my friends was shoved aside by a higher-up in the singular “girl gang” at our school. The gang member had arrived late, and, since machines were limited, she wanted one of the first spots in line. No matter that she’d arrived after everyone else and didn’t deserve it.
Well, my friend would have none of it. She shoved back, and may have even hurled a few choice words at Ms. Gang Member. All I remember is a flurry of arms, fists, and what looked like a human tumbleweed rolling over and over on the hallway floor. When the momentum stopped, my buddy was bruised and bleeding, a huge swath of her hair having been tugged out by the roots.
But Ms. Gang Member didn’t get off without a scratch, either, as I recall. And my friend? She was sent to the nurse, patched up, and returned to class (to the admiration of every other girl there, all of whom were too scared to stand up to Ms. GM). In the end, my pal became a lawyer. Seems fitting.
And nowadays? Well, when you never have to actually face your victims (and potentially weather their retaliatory kicks and scratches yourself), it’s all too easy to throw shade on someone without even considering how hurtful your comments might be.
Anonymous, more or less, untraceable, lobbed from the comfort of your own couch (or the couch in your parents’ basement)--well, that makes it pretty tempting to share your most hurtful and thoughtless commentary now, doesn’t it.
The ostensible increase in bullying also begs the question: what’s behind this exponential growth in our indifference to others’ feelings?
The most obvious factor is the potential for anonymity. I mean, when no one knows who you are, where you live or even your gender (or lack thereof), it’s all too easy to misbehave, amiright?
But I think an even deeper reason, and one that is perhaps more concerning, exists. Practically speaking, we can enforce rules to require individuals to identify themselves on social media or similar platforms. But we can’t require empathy.
Yes, it seems much of the shift in our demeanor towards others is the apparent loss of empathy among humans. I know that’s a big statement. At the same time, as someone who’s been around for several decades now, I can tell you it’s been rather startling to recognize. And it’s entirely real.
Even as far back as 2010, a large US study concluded that people at that time were 48% less empathetic than their counterparts 30 years earlier. And that was 14 years ago! Imagine how much more the skill of empathy has diminished since then (well, the story of Paris Hilton’s little munchkin is a pretty good indication, actually).
The fact that our media is literally designed to increase division between various factions around any issue doesn’t help matters. Since we’ve also lost much of the skills around reasoned debate or the ability to tolerate opposing viewpoints, the only option left for many people is to shame, belittle, harass, ridicule. . . . in other words, bully, when they disagree with someone else.
Do the bullies themselves deserve our compassion? Of course they do. But that shouldn’t preclude us from setting the necessary boundaries to keep them at bay.
One of the online gurus I follow explains it this way: my Instagram account (or any account on social media) is like my digital “home.” When you visit me there, you are a guest in my home. And I expect you to act like a welcomed guest.
If you begin to harass, insult or otherwise bully me–or if you abuse the privilege of being there in my sacred space–then by all means, I will boot you out. And what’s more, I won’t feel bad about it.
If someone came to my actual home and trashed it (or talked trash about me or my loved ones), I would promptly ask them to leave. You don’t get to visit–uninvited, at that–and then hurl vituperation my way as a thank you.
I’ve gotta say, I’m not sure what the antidote to all of this bad behavior is (or will be).
Apart from healthy boundaries, it seems to me we must teach more tolerance and the ability to accept contrary views. No matter how many differences we entertain, let’s remember that we are all more alike than we are different. Humans share 98% of our DNA with chimpanzees, and 99.9% of our DNA with other people on earth (a recent DNA study confirmed that we are all much more alike than different; and that there is no genetic basis for different races. In other words, our genetics are the same, however different our visual presentation).
Given that we are all, at the most fundamental levels, made of the same blood, organs, bones and brain matter, it behooves us to acknowledge that, as humans, we are all hurting. And the only way to find a solution is to work together.
Teaching empathy from a young age would also help. But can you generate empathy where none exists? Can you “grow” your empathy? Scientists say “yes.” Unless you’re a psychopath, you can develop the skill of empathy and broaden your ability to understand what others might be feeling.
Once we can get the bullies to recognize—and empathize with—their fellow human beings, it’s much less likely they’ll hurl hurtful criticisms at random strangers (or even famous strangers).
In the meantime, though, it might be useful to “block” the trolls–whether online or otherwise–until they get a grip.
** So, did I accept the invite to ride the bully’s motorcycle? Damn straight, I did. And that inaugural ride on his Harley (it must have been at least 100 mph) was a thousand times more frightening than any of his bullying had ever been.
********************
As always, thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this article, please share it with someone else! Or support me and my writing by subscribing with a paid or free subscription. I’ll be eternally grateful either way.
********************
I shared this on the former Twitter and then realized I was sharing this on a platform famous for its bullying. I'm not sure what the antidote to this behavior is, either, but we need to find one before our society self destructs. We've already had the Internet in our lives for some 30 years and social media of one type or another for nearly that many years.