36. Hold off on the Snuffling: Give Others What They Need
It’s so common, it’s become a cliche when it comes to couples.
Wife: You should have known.
Husband: But you looked like you were just fine on your own.
Wife: How could you think I didn’t need help? We had six people for dinner!
Husband: When you were washing at the sink, I asked you if you were good. You said, ‘Fine.’
Wife: And you thought that meant I was fine?!
Husband: But , , when I asked . . . you said . . . ‘fine’. . .
Wife: You should have known I didn’t mean it!
Let’s leave aside our passive-aggressive newlywed wife for a moment here. Instead, picture this: it’s 5:15 pm and your work-from-home workday is over. Both you and the HH your husband head down to the kitchen where it’s time to start dinner.
You pull out some veggies that require chopping. You pull out the cutting board, knives, bowls to prep the ingredients. The HH your spouse sits down on the couch (located directly across from the kitchen in your open-concept main floor) and begins thumbing through a magazine.
You begin to chop. After the first carrot, you glance over to see the HH your beloved, still engrossed, completely oblivious to dinner prep.
“Can you help me with this?” you say.
“Sure,” he says, and springs into action.
But why do you have to ask? Does he have to ask you to start the prep? Does he ask you to replace the empty milk carton, book the dogs’ appointments, pay the house insurance?
Why, after 26 years of cooking dinners together, doesn’t he just know that you should both be chopping–together?
It’s an age-old question, and one that applies to more than just the HH husbands.
When it comes to those with whom we’re closest, there’s often an expectation that they’ll just intuitively know what it is we need. And not only know it–but deliver it to us as well.
Problem is, most people just aren’t that sensitive to the needs of others. It’s not that they’re evil; but let’s face it, they don’t really care that much one way or the other.
When we were kids, my mother would attempt to elicit our help through guilt.
If she attacked a household chore, such as cleaning the bathroom, changing the sheets, putting groceries away or setting the table for guests, her fallback behavior was to heave and sigh through the entire procedure, all the while slapping the cloth a little louder than necessary, fluffing the pillows a little more vigorously than necessary, slamming the fridge door a little more forcefully than necessary or plunking down the glasses a little more energetically than necessary.
The result was usually that we avoided the fray as long as possible, until Mom blew up and began to yell, furious that we hadn’t “naturally” offered to help (at which point we slunk into the room and gingerly wiped a counter or straightened a place setting before leaving again).
Were we awful kids? Well, sometimes. But were we awful because we didn’t naturally want to take on chores that were, of themselves, no fun at all? I’d have to argue that we weren’t. We were just regular, self-absorbed children, most of whom are naturally selfish and need to be taught to behave otherwise.
What’s interesting to me is that when it comes to dogs, they already have a built-in radar around what their humans need from them. No, they won’t offer to dry while you wash, but they can intuit most of your needs to an astonishing degree.
You’ll find countless stories online about how dogs are there for you when you’re going through a heavy breakup or mourning the loss of a loved one.
Similarly, stories of dogs who save their owners from life-threatening situations abound on the internet. Pulling people out of burning buildings, dragging people across lakes to shore, intercepting other (vicious) dogs who would attack their owners–these are all common.
The same canine empathy occurs on a smaller scale, too–such as last week, when I was disappointed in the outcome of a potential work deal and Zoey sensed my low mood. She trotted over and lay her head on my lap, gazing up at me with her sweet, soulful eyes. Naturally, I began to pat her and immediately felt better. (Hmm, now that I think of it, she kind of got what she wanted, too. . . ).
The HH and I learned another way that the dogs naturally provide what we require on weekends. Without us asking and without any special training in this area, all of our girls have, so far, known instinctively to let us sleep for as long as we need to, without disturbing our slumber. They wait, patiently, until the humans rouse themselves and begin their day before they, too, stretch and start moving.
Maybe it’s because they have a somewhat extrasensory ability when it comes to almost imperceptible changes in human behavior and actions, based on 15,000 years of coexistence. Or maybe they’re just nicer than people.
In either case, seems we need to take our cue from our canines in this regard. They might just teach your kids or your HH husband a thing or two.
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Follow up to last week’s challenge: Greet the day with a positive mindset. How did it go?
To start things off, I have to admit that the first morning, I was already in a pretty good mood, so no additional strategies were necessary: the HH and I kissed good morning, I stretched, and got out of bed. All good.
The challenge came on those days when, for whatever reason, my mood wasn’t so auspicious. After a particularly difficult night (tossing and turning, stressing over the state of the world, the state of our finances, the state of our plumbing, et cetera), I knew I needed a boost. Plus, being exhausted from lack of sleep doesn’t exactly contribute to feeling chipper in the morning.
The following morning, I stretched, sat up, and fell back onto the bed. No way did I think I could get up! My sour mood matched the sour taste in my mouth. I glanced over at the HH, already blissfully back asleep after our morning kiss, and reminded myself to FOCUS: something positive! There had to be something positive!
As is so often the case, the dog did it for me. Zoey pranced over to my side of the bed, planted her face directly across from mine, and began to pant in anticipation of her breakfast. I couldn’t help but laugh. And then, once I’d laughed, I already felt a jolt of endorphins that boosted my mood. That reminded me to smile, which I did as I stumbled my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Maybe not quite as joyous as Zoey in the morning, but much better than I’d been when I first awoke.
On another morning, I attempted the gratitude exercise, forcing myself to remain in bed until I’d thought of three distinct things that brought happiness to my life and for which I’m grateful. The result was a much better backdrop from which to begin my day.
Overall, it wasn’t a bad week. Given stressors from without (world events) and within (digestive distress), I was able to bypass the usual mental welter, at least for a while, and start the day on a positive note.
How was your week? What method(s) did you use to start the days out positively? And how did they work for you? I’d love to know.
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